Being A Prat

- introduced by Mike

Sometimes, I worry that people will forget just what a prat I am.

Normally I can think of stupid things to do on an ad hoc basis but occasionally I am struck by the realisation that I haven't done anything idiotic for a while and people might start thinking I'm going sensible. I'm sure everybody in pooclub has similar experiences, so I thought it would be a good idea to collate on this page those prattish things that we do or say regularly just to remind other people of our stupidity.

Please feel free to add your own methods of being a prat.

"Frying Turns" (Mike)

Whenever I'm frying something frozen, e.g. fish fingers, minced beef crispy pancakes, I will occasionally do a 360 degree body spin. When asked what I'm doing I reply "I'm just following the instructions on the packet - shallow fry for 12 minutes, turning occasionally".

"Do Not Touch" (Mike)

On some London buses the exit doors have a bar which naturally moves when the door opens and could cause anyone holding it to have a nasty surprise and in extreme cases exclaim something like "woo-err!". As a safety measure, they now sport a sticker which says "DO NOT TOUCH THIS BAR". If I'm standing near these doors I will look furtively around, then slowly reach out to the sticker on the bar, touch it very quickly with my finger and pull it away sharply whistling nonchalantly.

"Forget-Me-Nots" (Ciaran)

I like to pretend not to remember the name of Forget-Me-Nots at every possible opportunity. Then there is the deaf/pardon classic, and the holy trinity of breast, leg and stuffing jokes at Sunday dinner.

"Mirror" (Ciaran)

I have a sign on the back of my lorry that reads "WARNING: If you can't see either of my eyes in my mirror then I can't see either of your eyes in your mirror". Does that count?

"All day" (Ciaran)

If someone says "Is it the 24th today?" I like to say "Yes, all day" and laugh a lot.

"Sieves" (Ciaran)

Whenever anybody so much as thinks about mentioning a sieve, I like to say "I've got a memory like a ...", then trail off and leave the room. Consequently I got sacked from my well paid job at Allied Utensils and now have to put stickers on bus doors for a living.

"Kettles" (Ciaran)

When somebody sends... Ok, when my wife sends me to "put the kettle on" I invariably return with the appliance atop my head and respond to any subsequent verbal abuse or violence with total surprise and a look of wounded innocence.

"Kettles revisited" (Brian)

Talking of kettle stories, whenever someone says to me, "The kettle is boiling!" I always answer with, "The kettle isn't boiling, it's the water inside that's boiling!". This never fails to get even the grumpiest person smiling. And the more it's repeated the funnier it gets, I think.

Please add your own prattish idiosyncrasies here...