FAQs

Have you really shaved off your moustache? Why?

No. I occasionally do it if I am feeling very depressed, or if it is called on for some dramatic or charitable purpose. I also understand that lip-readers find moustaches an inconvenience, so if I was regularly interacting with lip-readers, I would probably shave it off.

Do you actually like pooclub?

Most of the time. Sometimes I find the ad hominem attacks too severe, and occasionally the running jokes go on so long that they become tiresome. Some of the people here are more interesting than others, but that's the same everywhere. I think the people know roughly what I think of them. I don't believe that it is an appropriate forum for the credibly professional worker, so I expect my participation here to fall once I am in paid employment again.

How clever are you really?

I'm not sure that's something I can easily answer.

Have you worked in the last seven days?

Not formally. Under the agreement I have with the Government, I'm not permitted to work. However, as they aren't paying me anything, I think this a little unreasonable. However, I will be starting to work soon, though whether this will be on 27 December, 2 January, 8 January or some other date is yet to be determined. However, I will be quite sure to remember the date, so that I can be sure that nothing before that date can be blamed on me. Unfortunately, the reverse is not true: things can be blamed on you after you leave a company.

What are your current feelings about Zambia? Have you visited Lusaka yet?

In the early 1980s, I was fascinated by Zambia, a country that was corrupt and yet governed by a president who spoke out against corruption. In 1987, Viv and I visited Zimbabwe, a beautiful country with a bright future, but which was destroyed by the insanity of Robert Mugabe in later years. As we crossed the Zambesi into Zambia, we saw a country which had obviously once been very prosperous, but which by then was very poor. Although there were adverts for Coke everywhere, the product was unobtainable. The shelves in the supermarkets were, for the most part, empty. We shared a railway compartment with a lady who was smuggling cooking oil into the country. There were armed guards on each floor of our hotel in Lusaka. Lusaka was a city which looked like Leeds or Auckland would look if nobody spent any money on maintenance there for about twenty years.

What do the letters after your name mean?

• BA Hons - Bachelor of Arts Honours degree in Computational and Statistical Science with Pure Mathematics from the Faculty of Social and Environmental Studies at the University of Liverpool. It is one of the curious anomalies of the unversity that this degree fell under the auspices of the SES faculty, resulting in it being a BA. It's not such a big surprise: the highly regarded universities of Oxford and Cambridge only award BAs.
• SA Fin - Senior Associate of the Financial Services Institute of Australasia. This is the professional body I belong to. Before the 2005 merger, it was the Australasian Institute of Banking and Finance.
• ATMG, CL - These are both awards from Toastmasters International, the world's leading communication and leadership organisation. ATMG is Advanced Toastmaster - Gold, a communication award. CL is Competent Leader, a leadership award. Ultimately, I expect to reach the level of Distinguished Toastmaster, the organisation's highest award.
• I also possess the General Readers Certificate, from Church House, Westminster. As a Reader in the Church of England, I am broadly able to do the same as an ordained deacon. I hold a Readers licence from the Bishop of Chester. Previously, I have held licences from the Bishop of Birmingham and the Bishop of Waiapu.

When you reach your level, do you abandon the electric toaster for the control afforded by an open fire and toasting fork?

As I am sure you well know, Toastmaster is nothing to do with toast. A toastmaster in Britain means someone who proposes toasts at a banquet, while in North America the term has been extended to mean any sort of public speaker. I use an electric toaster, leaving the skills of open fire toasting to those more accomplished. The best of these are generally Greek, in my experience.

Cold butter - heat the knife slightly, or give the butter a quick whirl in the microwave?

At home, we generally use spreadable butter, so the problem of struggling with cold, hard butter tends not to arise. Away from home, where the butter is served in those little packets, I usually warm it up by putting the packet onto the toast or a hot plate.

Now that I am trying to lose weight, I tend not to eat so much butter with my toast, preferring a thin layer of marmalade in its place.

Would it be better if members refrained from posting the more extreme messages of abuse about other members and just thought it instead?

Almost certainly. However, on occasion it's good to vent. If this question is a veiled suggestion that I do such a thing, then I would encourage you to remember that this is not a forum where people should take themselves at all seriously. On occasion, I have been emotionally wounded by things written in the forum, but try to remember that none of it is meant maliciously. I hope that's true, or we are all in big trouble...